?

Log in

< back | 0 - 10 |  
Jamie [userpic]

Being Cruel

January 23rd, 2012 (11:08 pm)

For the lack of better things to post, and the slight reassurance that perhaps no one but myself will peruse this, I submit my mental inclinations at this time.

First and foremost: That ever enduring war I am constantly waging with myself, or rather two versions of myself duking it out in a metaphorical sense. The one version is perhaps the more humane and sociable side, the one that clings to my relationships like a lifeboat on a sinking ship. The other is my more sociopathic and independent bent nature.

The dispute is always about how to handle my relationships with others. As I've grown older, I have become more and more detached with ease, rarely putting effort into friendships anymore. Just when I think I've got it all figured out, some weird ass notion of loneliness kicks in and I find myself running back to my oldest friends. I am on the edge again, trying to decide on what to do. It would be so easy to sever those ties, having done most of the work already. In arguing statements against it, I keep finding my eyes and ears draw to the people around me and their relationships; jealously never far behind. I suppose that if I had the bonds that I envy, I wouldn't be in envy or destructive. The questioning of my bonds and my doubts based on what I deem as logical (because we just know that emotions follow logic, har har)hounds me.

I have managed to alienate the vast majority of my family, with no regrets (to my knowledge and at this present time). Seeing eye to eye with my grandmother/mother/father/etc... has long since grinded to a halt, for good reason. None of those assholes are happy with others or themselves. I stopped seeing anyone within blood relation as a role model, and have been finding myself using my dark humor with a twist of honesty within their presence. Upon my mother informing me that I was primary benefactor in the case of her and my adoptive father dying, I promptly told I would piss on her ashes. I probably won't mostly because that's a little gross and if I thought peeing in a cup was embarrassing, imagine an urn. My grandparents live in other states, so distance is always good. Last time I saw my grandmother (For the first time in a decade), she ignored me in favor of my sister and at that point future-brother-in-law. When I called said future-brother-in-law a cunt for rough housing and knocking over a drink then blaming me, my step-grandfather started hounding me about not worshiping God. Nevermind the fact they knew nothing of my loss of faith during the witnessing of the violent death of my adoptive grandmother to brain cancer. Oh how those Priests dismissed her death as little more than the Glory of God so non-nonchalantly, offering no comfort and solace for those with new wounds. As for that fantastic father'o'mine, well my favorite bastard maker saw fit to pop into my life for all of like two facebook (so srs biznss) statuses before disappear to worlds unknown while leaving my sister high and dry with his bills.

Saying goodbye really is as easy as most people tell a lie, for me anyways.


So secondly, Zack.

My equal, my opposite: My ever stoic knight in rusty armor. As I close myself off to other (could you really call it closing off if I'm just not interested in them anymore?) I drift further from him. I use to cling to him as the one piece of stability in my life. Now, I've started seeing this piece of stability as this rather large and heavy rock in which I'm chained to and have been dragging through a desert of ever shifting sandy dunes. In a world of on going changes, the man clings to the past like a bad habit. The ultimatum has been served, we'll see if he strikes out of gets to first.

Jamie [userpic]

Back again?! Really?

November 1st, 2011 (10:07 pm)
busy

current mood: busy

I'm working on the nanowrimo this year, thanks in part to Ash's nudging. JLzielesch if you're interested.

Other than that, been busy with life. I'll probably put details up later.

Jamie [userpic]

Just for shits and giggles.

June 14th, 2011 (11:20 pm)



huzzah

Jamie [userpic]

A conversation with a Douche Bag

May 15th, 2011 (10:12 pm)

Let me start off by saying this: The following conversation took place on Facebook between myself and a rather shitty friend, "Douche Bag" or DB for short. The conversation will of course be edited to reflect this, because although I'm a bitch for posting this on the internet, I am still attempting to maintain some dignity for the individual involved, regardless of whether he deserves it. To sum up my beef with him, this guy has been ditching out on parties, claiming other parties as his idea, and trying to get into my sister-in-law's pants (who is currently going through a rather rough break up at the moment and doesn't need more shit tossed into the fan). Other friends of mine can't trust him to uphold his word (Apparently he thinks DD means Drunk Driver), argue with him all the time over things that don't matter (his points are never relevant.) and he can't seem to understand what boundaries are. Anyways, I think this convo was a rather good response on my part and if DB is actually intelligent enough, he'll pick up a few hints from it. I doubt it.

-----
[DB]Hey Sorry I left the other night And for being a big ass I apparently have a big dumb mouth Who did I not piss off that night?

[ME] [DB], I'm gonna be honest, I really don't give two shits.

[DB]So you mean even though I said some rotten things you don't care because you're just that cool
Or because you don't give two shits about me and what I think

[ME]The latter. You've been doing some pretty douche bag things lately and I were you, I'd straighten your shit up. Apologizing won't get you anywhere with me, because words mean shit.

[DB]Words don't mean much, thats right, but what is it that I've been doing? I mean. Other than a few things the other night I'm not sure of what else I need to fix. I'm not being sarcastic either. I just don't know if you mean I have more than one not of stupid decisions to make up for.
night not NOT I appreciate the honesty btw. I like to hear others POV with out all the whining

[ME]Stop ditching events you say you'll come too, or at least call the person's responsible to let them know your not coming. Stop taking credit for ideas that aren't yours. If you think something is a stupid thing to say, don't say it.
And [Husband]'s got another beef with you, involving [Sister-in-law], but that's not my business.

[DB]What did I do to [Sister-in-law]??And while I do have a problem showing up to stuff. I
I'm not sure what you mean. It's kind of general "make yourself a better person" stuff. I was kind of hoping for slightly more specific examples What have I ditched out on?

[ME]Look, I haven't got all night to drag you through your mistakes. That's not my responsibility. So, in general, start acting like a friend rather than a douche bag. I know I'm not the only one labeling you as such right now. If I were you, I'd sit back and dwell on that for a bit. You know you're fucking up, so why do you need people to point out? Goodnight [DB], before I lose my temper.

-----
Thoughts?

Jamie [userpic]

klajdsgfasdgfireRANTS

October 28th, 2010 (11:51 pm)

Alright, let me start off by stating this: It's been a hellish month. Today was probably the worst. Specifically, I've had 4 hours of sleep due to work/college yesterday and worked 13.5 hours at work today. I'm in rather rough shape.

So, let's get to the main problem here. I came home to our cat Zelda (having just turned a year old the 15th.) dying. At first, she was a little responsive, but wouldn't really get up and move. As of now, she's into shock. Unresponsive, twitching, eyes dilating.

Now, why don't we take her to the animal hospital? Well, for one, I'm pretty sure she's gone by now for that. For two, Bills. I'm not saying anymore on that issue, it's been a barbed thorn in my side between the husband and I all month long. Time's also an issue, I literally cannot afford to take a day off (I work tomorrow as well, have to be in there in seven hours.) and have given up on seeing my sister's boot camp graduation due lack of Vacation/PTO available.

Speaking of him, I saw him cry tonight. First time this kid has cried in YEARS. Normally, I would be completely sympathetic and doing everything in my power to ease it. Except I've got a severely bruised knuckle from a fight we had today. No, I didn't punch him. I came home from the long shift, found out about the cat and he jumped into my ass for being a bit bitchy towards him. I lost my temper, punched the computer monitor (thank fully, and very obviously, not broken.) then proceeded to take the rest of my temper out on the pumpkins we were suppose to carve together today. It's been a very long time since I've lost control like this.

Let's make matters worse. When Zelda started going comatose, the husband panicked and called him mother. I have now been dealing with the phone ringing every 30 minutes with offers to take the cat to the vet. This would be a very great gesture if it weren't for the fact that it's every 30 minutes, and the cat is practically dead now.

Back to work. I have been covering for a man who just had his brother pass away last week (the man is probably late 40's.), and thanks to regular bullshit practices by the company, everything is last minute. I broke time records today trying to get all the units tested through so that we can make shipment tomorrow. Lo' and behold, I am informed by my boss that the VP and assistant VP didn't like the state of cleanliness my desk was in. Normally, my desk is clean, but due to it being rush season, I have equipment and tools sitting out on the desk for easy access for calibrations. When even my boss, who is the main reason why I'm leaving the company for the military in February, is sticking up for me something is wrong.

So, here's my emotion news now. I just found out tonight (right before I went home) that the grandmother I thought I didn't get to meet until she was in a casket did meet me while she was alive. This woman's dying wish was to see her first grandchild, and she didn't even introduce herself to me as my grandmother. Thank you Sandy, as if the whole awkward mess of my life regarding Ken wasn't fucked up enough, I can't even fucking remember meeting this lady who apparently loved me from afar and wanted to see me.

Basically, I am extremely spent in every dimension and aspect of my life.

There's no one here to even help me work through any of this, but god forbid I show any signs of emotional wear because that's bad. I'll admit losing my temper was no a good choice, but I need to get something out. I guess that's why I blogged, though I am very well aware this has been a dead blog and probably has no followers. I just need to get this shit off my chest, and this is probably the best manner in which to do so. Forgive me for being a bitch, but hopefully when I wake up tomorrow the cat will be dead and the husband will be gone, I'll be fired and anything else that can happen will. I'm tired of waiting for it to happen.

Jamie [userpic]

Damn it.

August 9th, 2010 (09:10 pm)

Alright, so the server for my website (stuck-here.com) has been experiencing issues out the wazoo.

Issues pertaining to logging in to edit the website, meaning that I'm about two weeks late on updates.

Lack of update=losing reader's interests.

Not that there were many to begin with, as the site is not link to any major websites or other comic sites (although, you can google for it.)

As such, I find myself thinking about maybe submitting it to a webcomic site (ideally Keenspot, but that's a spot to be earned.) like Comic genesis.

Why do you think?

Jamie [userpic]

HOLY FUCKING SHIT

July 6th, 2010 (05:35 pm)
shocked

current location: United States, Ohio, Cincinnati
current mood: shocked

My "Father" and brother just requested facebook friendship.

Apperantly, Ken just likes crossdressing, because there's a new woman on his arm.

No surprise on my brother, I adore the not-so-little-anymore guy.

BUT HOLY FUCKING SHIT KEN.

Jamie [userpic]

So uh...

May 25th, 2010 (12:43 am)

I got married today (technically, yesterday, since it is past midnight.)

And it's been a great day.

Jamie [userpic]

HOLY SHIT

May 13th, 2010 (12:18 am)

I'm 22.

Jamie [userpic]

I just wanted to compare the two.

May 8th, 2010 (06:53 pm)
energetic
Tags:

current location: United States, Ohio, Cincinnati
current mood: energetic
current song: Retard-O-Bot - Gash | Powered by Last.fm



< back | 0 - 10 |